Search for Civility - Identity and a Dream

I had a dream last night.

I am starting at a new university and a group of us are at a little get together. We're all a bit nervous, just trying to get to know everyone and find our way in the new environment. It's hard not to be a bit nervous at times like this, you want to get a feel for everyone else and you also want to give a good impression. Then a beautiful blond girl walks in and all the oxygen is sucked out of the room. She tries to casually join the crowd, but it's hard not to stretch out your ears for what she's saying. In her own good time, she comes to chat with our small group. She's German with an alluring accent. We aren't talking with great earnest, just a few pleasant nothings about the economy or politics. As hard as it is not to stare, I have to admit that her comments are funny - she's impressive. Then she adds, "But I guess that's all academic. The Rothschilds and the rest of the Jewish moneychangers will still call all the shots no matter what minor changes we make..."

A nazi? WTF?

And that's where things went wrong...

Now, considering things had taken such a drastic turn, you might expect that I woke right up, but the dream went on just a bit further. Being Jewish, my first reaction wasn't even disbelief, but seething anger. Rage started to rush through my chest screaming for any outlet. But I held my smile on my face. As I've discussed in these recent diaries, I've been trying to find ways to connect with people despite any disagreement. I genuinely tried to search myself for a way that I could engage this girl in a positive way, something substantive or even just inane. It was a moment of total failure - I just couldn't do it. I woke up feeling relieved the dream was over, but also feeling very anxious.

Everyone's had nightmares where they are frozen, unable to move in the face of an obvious threat - it's terrifying. But I've never had a dream where the danger was social, not physical. When I woke up I didn't feel scared; I felt deeply uncomfortable. Was this dream a sign that my search for civility was wrongheaded? Am I committing myself to leave unchallenged people and beliefs that I consider truly evil?

On reflection, I know that in real life I'd feel no urge to find common ground with a nazi. I think it comes down to issues of "tribe" and identity. Being set against the "Jewish Plot for Global Control"™ was a huge part of who this girl was, like the Birther in this Oliphant cartoon. Attempts to reason with her were likely to be met with "devil's greatest trick" kind of responses that discredit the source of an argument rather than confront the substance. If she hates Jews and I'm Jewish, how can I hope to find common ground with her in order to reach a common understanding?

But tossing our the issues of "tribe" and identity leaves this discussion incomplete. In a previous diary I conveyed a discussion I had with a co-worker about healthcare.

One exchange I had with a co-worker I'm not particularly proud of. To briefly introduce him, he's from upstate Wisconsin and concerned with securing the Mexican border. He doesn't support healthcare reform. Having just read the KFF summary I mentioned above, I felt well armed with details to explain away any concerns he might level against the reform plans being debated.

He complained about all the poor people who get emergency room care and then walk away unable to pay their hospital bill. I pointed out that substantial savings could be found on this issue by helping expand preventative care. Fundamentally, he didn't want to be forced to pay for the health expenses of others, especially as a result of their poor choices. I suggested that we need consider bending that ideology in order to save some money. I quoted standard statistics about US health expenditures compared to other countries. I was friendly, sharp, and clear...I'm pretty sure he was unmoved.

My dad commented, "he isn't really arguing an issue, he is defending his 'tribe'. We are born with an instinct to fear and dominate those outside of our tribe." "When your colleague fulminates against immigrants, he is defending and asserting his membership in a tribe that he defines himself as a member of. You do the same for your tribe if you look down on him for his failure to appreciate your logic."

The version of "tribe", or identity, in use in the above stories is too complete, too all-encompassing. In reality we all hold a variety of identities and norms about how we should act and what we believe. Sometimes these notions compete, I am a proud American and I feel very uneasy about many things done in America's name. Many times these notions complement and reinforce each other, I am reasonable and I support the Democratic party. [/snark]

In reality that basket of identities that we carry around interact in complex, even mysterious ways that are difficult to predict. But they determine who we can and who we cannot work with in society. I could never be on the same team as that nazi.

I believe that the case with my anti-immigration, anti-healthcare reform co-worker is much different. I can work with him because even though some facets of our identities clash, others match up very well. We're both Americans living abroad in the same country. We both teach English at the same school. That's a lot to work with. If I can emphasize those common aspects I believe we can build a rapport, a sociability between us. Hopefully, that will bring us both to be more flexible about the areas we don't agree upon. It's one thing to fight and argue with a stranger, it's very different to do it with a friend.

I can't be friends with just anyone, but I can try to make friends with nearly everyone.

Cross-posted at DailyKos